Today, I had some extra time and was cleaning off my desk and filing things away. I came across your folder. I found a bunch of emails, letters, programs, ticket stubs, and even your birth chart. Floods of memories came rushing back of the past year and a half. The huge Radiohead show where we were waiting outside forever for our tickets from FNX and trying to find Ryan and Co. The Built to Spill show with Katie where you got sick and I took you home. The Bentley soccer game where you got to see my crazy soccer screaming. Blue Man Group and Shrek, our first date. I grabbed the whole lot of these scrap book memories stuck it all in a brown envelope and put it in the back of my filing cabinet.

I miss you, I’m angry at you, I love you, and I don’t know what to think any more. You make me feel all sort of emotions, Every time I try to move on something brings you back. Like the other day when I went out with Matt and Ed, we went to an Irish bar and over the jukebox is “I Know My Love” and I remember you singing that in the car to me with your little dance and your eyes and I cry because I’ll never see that again. I envy you, I wish I had that emotional on/off switch you say you have. I wish I didn’t have to deal with this any more. I HATE it. Of course, if I had that switch I have to deal with it eventually. I hate how you never respond to any of my emails. They weren’t malicious or packed with emotions or questions about us. All I asked was how things were going and you deemed to brush it off. I asked if you could go to see Cabaret and received no response. I miss you terribly, I miss your touch, the smell of your hair, the intimate moments, the goofing off, but most of all I miss sitting down and just talking to you, I miss our conversations and your company.